Yes its Stupid O Clock time when sleep forsakes me and my brain goes into overdrive and unpleasant memories surface so I practise distraction, tonight its the blog, sometimes it just facebook or some stupid game like bejewelled that doesnt allow me to think. I feel like one of the kids with my "I wants" and then comes the "I cant"......................Why?...................because........... unfortunately along with that comes the fear.
See I said it The Fear! it catches me unaware at the most inappropriate times but it takes over my whole mind and the rewind button is hit and for a few minutes, few seconds even im back to a night that I dont want to think about, let alone be there in my mind. The smells, sounds, fear...................blah blah blah, im there but I dont want to be.
I have spent the last eighteen months trying to move on, move forward but something in my own head is holding me back................ the constant feeling of dread............ it wears you out. Im frustrated that where once I really felt now I feel nothing, almost disconnected and I look around me and I feel like a stranger to me.......................and I wish I could get me back. How can one night change a person so much.
I still want things, I guess its my bid at getting me back, normality and feeling. If I do these things then everything else will fall back into place and things will be ok again........................... wont they? Right now, I cant see past the end of my nose, I cant see into the future, I can make all the right noises, I can say what I want but I cant see it, cant picture it and I dont feel it.......................how crazy is that? I dont feel it Im going through the motions and I am so hoping right now that eventually if I say it often enough maybe I will feel it.
I am a contradiction at times because I do feel, I did the other day in Tesco, when looking at some phones and I touched the screen and it made a sound. Havent heard that sound in a while............. I was back there in his house, the smell the sounds and him. Then I was outside Tesco my heart racing and I know I walked out but from A to B I dont remember because I had obviously panicked because it caught me unaware.
Im frustrated it was a stupid noise that the phone had made and then Im angry with myself that eighteen months on and im not over it and I keep being told what is the big deal!!! It was a big deal to me and then I get mad that no one understands how what happened made me feel so helpless so.................... I cant even think of the right words..............................but guess what it dont really matter in the bigger scheme of things................... it happened...........cant change it.....as I keep being told............just get over it................if only it were that simple.
